My Dad told me a great story this weekend. When he and his brother were kids (late 1920s), they would visit a nearby neighbor, an old pioneer living in a shack in the woods, who was excited to have their help to set his bear trap. The trap was so huge that the man couldn’t stand on each toothed side and set the trigger in the middle. So he’d have the kids stand on one side while he stood on the other and set the trap. Apparently, nothing fatal occurred to any two-legged mammal as a result.

As a reward, the old-timer would offer them something to drink, then open a can of condensed milk and split it among a couple glasses.

He and his brothers would happily recite a slogan for the wonderful convenience of canned condensed milk:

“No tits to pull,
No shit to pitch,
Just punch two holes
in the son-of-a-bitch!”

Memo to Jeff: call Borden’s. . .